Tuesday, January 29, 2013

1/28/13 RAW (RAW Roulette; Lesnar Returns)

RAW Roulette tonight! Three-man announce team again: JBL, Cole, Lawler.

Vickie Guerrero shows three wheels: Wheel of Superstars, Wheel of Stipulations, and the Vickie Vegas Challenge wheel. First match is Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton. Vickie spins the stipulation wheel and it lands on Special Guest Referee.

But first, Punk has to vent. He still says he's the champ and that he got screwed. Punk calls everyone a cheap swindler, just like Vince and Rock. Punk says he got screwed worse than Bret in Montreal and says it was the Phoenix Screwjob on Sunday night. Punk wants to crash everyone's party. Vince McMahon comes out and Punk's all over him. Vince says he has footage from an anonymous person that undoubtedly says Paul Heyman orchestrated a plot involving Punk and the Shield. Vince is gonna hold a "Personal Performance Review" for Heyman later tonight. Could result in Heyman's termination.

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro: Miz is the special guest ref. Sounds about right. If Miz actually injured himself at the Rumble, then it makes even more sense to me to continue that storyline. Hard shots from Orton as the action spills to the outside. Cesaro naturally still has a beef with Miz about the count. Miz calls it down the middle until Cesaro starts shoving Miz out of the way. Vintage argument. Cesaro turns around right into an RKO. Orton wins. **

The Vickie Vegas Challenge Wheel is spun. "Make Me Laugh" is what it lands on. RYBACK! Oh crap.

Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi are in attendance! YES!

Ryback faces the Primetime Players in a "Make Me Laugh" challenge. Striker explains the simple rules: jokes are told, most laughs wins. PTPs with a joke about Striker and women. Ryback asks what has four eyes, 20 fingers, and isabout to be unconscious. Yup, he nukes Titus. Since D-Young got away, Ryback nukes Matt Striker. "YES YES YES" from JBL. Win. Poor Striker.

Bob Backlund's WWE HOF video shown again.

Vickie spins the stipulation wheel for Wade Barrett, and it lands on "Player's Choice." Barrett gets to choose his own opponent. Barrett's in the ring and loves it. He wants Bo Dallas because Bo eliminated Barrett in the Rumble match. Impressive showing last night for Bo, lasting over 20 minutes.

Bo Dallas vs. Wade Barrett: Bo surprises Barrett early on. Barrett regains control and gets up for the Bullhammer. Bo catches Barrett in a modified powerslam and gets three. Barrett with the shocked face. Only two minutes in an "upset" win for Bo. WWE loves this NXT guy and is likely pushing him big time now. N/A

Cody spins the Superstar wheel and it lands on John Cena. A Tape of the Tape between Cena and Fred Flintstone because Cena now is on some of those Fruity Pebbles boxes. Facepalm.

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes: Cody eliminated four guys in the Rumble last night. Cena also eliminated four guys in the RR, including Cody. Cody rwants to leave, but Cena hits his moves of doom. AA ends it. Took about two minutes. Squash match here. N/A

Why the short match? Cena gets mic time. He pretty much just focuses on just the WWE Title when picking who he wants to face. Either it's Punk (who Cena failed to beat the last six times over two years) or Rock (who Cena lost to at WM 28). Cena still challenges whomever the WWE Champion is at WM 29. Duh.

Shield come down from the stands. JBL can't believe Cena's standing his ground. Shield pummel Cena. Sheamus and Ryback come down and are also nuked. Triple powerbomb to Cena.

Wheel stops on "Lingerie Pillow Fight." TENSAI AND BRODUS CLAY! NO NO NO! Tensai storms off. Brodus gets to spin the Vickie Challenge wheel. Stops on "Dance-Off." There we go.

So here we go with Brodus and Tensai. Remember, Tensai didn't see the Brodus spin so he's in a bathrobe. DAMMIT. Lawler didn't get to say that it was now a Dance-Off. Tensai disrobes and he's in lingerie. OH CRAP, MY EYES! And that, my friends, probably shows how much Tensai has fallen in the company. But hey, if he gets screen time, it's not all bad, right? Lawler gets Tensai to dance because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Ron Simmons "DAMN" cameo. Yup. That was easily the most bizarre segment this year. Might just hold up for the rest of 2013.

Alberto Del Rio faces Big Show in a Bodyslam Challenge. Beatdown segment! Show with the KO punch to ADR before the challenge begins. Show duct tapes ADR to the ropes. Show nukes Ricardo all over the ringside area. Show stomps on ADR a few times as well. More duct tape applied to ADR to make sure he can't go anywhere. KO punch to Ricardo right in front of ADR. Hard kicks to ADR and then another KO punch. Longer than needed, but effective nonetheless.

Kaitlyn vs. Tamina Snuka (Las Vegas Showgirls Lumberjills Match): Was originally slated for the PPV but didn't take place probably due to time constraints. I woulda saved it for RAW anyway. Kaitlyn takes Aksana's headdress and throws it at Tamina. Oh, that's thrilling indeed. Showgirls decide to all storm the ring for whatever reason because the crowd's been dead all this time. Match ends in a bizarre no-contest. Yes, thank you to whomever cued AJ Lee's old music. N/A

Rock to the ring. Only one word can describe tonight and the overall journey: FINALLY! Rock says this latest title win is the proudest moment of his WWE career. He thanks all the people. More poking fun at Punk and Heyman. Twinkie Tits! Rock says People's Era begins tonight. Rock says everyone's getting pie! Punk comes out. Punk demands Rock give back his title. Rock dares Punk to come take it. Punk teases the crowd and then reminds people he does things on his own terms to fit his schedule. Let's book that rematch for the Elimination Chamber PPV now. Three weeks away already?! To the person who was supposed to censor the words during the segment, you mostly failed, but hey, more swear words for everyone!

Diddy's "Coming Home" is the tune again as WM 29 is promoted. I love that song. Seriously. Keep it.

Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow (Tables): Per the spin of the wheel, a tables match. Doesn't take long for the tables to come out. Sandow works a bunch on Sheamus' injured left arm. Sheamus grabs Sandow's beard. Primitive and effective. "Thank You Sandow" chants?! Woohoo! Sheamus puts Sandow through a table with White Noise and gets the win. *3/4

WWE Karaoke with Zack Ryder and Khali. NO! They're gonna sing a Superstar's theme song. Fans in the arena pick the winner. Khali absolutely butchers HBK's theme song. YOU'RE NOT EVEN READING THE WORDS ON THE TITANTRON! FAIL! Holy cow. If that's not the worst "comedy" segment ever, I dunno what is. But I like watching Natalya dance. YEAH, WHERE'S COLE'S GONG?! 3MB interrupts, and I can't believe it got worse. Khali takes out Drew and Slater with that big hand to the head. Rough Ryder to Jinder. This was brutal. Very bad. Easily negative stars if I gave ratings for skits.

Chris Jericho promo. "Y2J" chants. Simple thanks to the fans, and Jericho loves that he fooled everyone. Ziggler and company crash the party. Langston's singlet looks smaller than normal. Langston spoke again and didn't mess up! Jericho believes the "E" is Langston's bra size. Dammit, I am now blind again.

Vickie says she signed Jericho. YAY! Perhaps we can at least put Vickie in more of a tweener on-camera role now. Stipulation wheel spin. Strange Bedfellows! So Ziggler and Jericho team up against...Team Hell No. YES!

Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler & Chris Jericho: Strange match indeed, but still predictable. Vintage DB and Kane arguing. Ziggler tags in. Jericho hits Kane from behind and Kane thinks it was Ziggler. Kane chokeslams Ziggler and gets three. Jericho laughs. N/A

Latest WWE Hall of Fame inductee: TRISH STRATUS! YES YES YES! I hope they actually give her some airtime for the induction speech when the ceremony airs. Not just the "here are the other inductees and about five seconds of the speech they made" crap. God, I miss the Attitude Era divas matches.

Booker T will make an announcement for the World Heavyweight Title on Smackdown. Probably Elimination Chamber stuff.

It's time for Paul Heyman's Performance Review. Vince says Punk has been escorted out of the arena already. Heyman said he has nothing to do with the Shield or Brad Maddox. Vince asks Heyman if he's lied. Heyman says he's lied every day, but not this time. Closeup of Heyman's face, and many people are screaming everywhere. Not an honest face, eh?

We get to the anonymous footage, shot a couple weeks ago in Northern California. Heyman had told the camera guy to shut the camera off, but nope it wasn't off. Heyman explicitly says he paid Maddox and Shield to help take Ryback out and otherwise to help Punk keep his title. Shield then beats Maddox up. OOPS! "YOU GOT BUSTED!" chants.

Crowd basically readying Heyman's termination. Heyman says the man in the video wasn't him. HA. So it was Maddox and the Shield, but not Heyman. Got it. Vince ready to fire Heyman.

BROCK LESNAR! Markout time! Crowd goes NUTS. Vince tells Lesnar not to do something Lesnar would regret later on. Heyman pleading with Lesnar to leave. F-5 to the chairman! Heyman horrified because now he feels his job really is over. Of course it isn't. End show.

WWE signed Lesnar to a new 2-year deal. Pretty much the same terms as this current deal that would have expired after WM 29. Very limited schedule, lots of money for Lesnar. Ratings and money for WWE. Win-win. Loved the ending because I didn't think it would be this soon. I'm not sure how many dates Lesnar still has on the current contract, but WWE saved a lot of them to hype WM 29. Logical move could be to have Lesnar face Ryback. Could also be HHH, but if WWE is really going through with a monster Ryback push, might as well have Ryback face a true asskicker.

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